i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
