It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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