im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
