Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
