Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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