Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So squirting runs in the family.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
