I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize