Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
