theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
