bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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