Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
