so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
