The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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