i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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