ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My life is pants optional.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
