i permit you to call me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize