that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I need to sanitize my soul.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
