saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
