I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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