Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
