i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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