I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
