A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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