Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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