I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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