Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
