cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
