Umm I'm too high to move.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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