remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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