my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
