I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize