mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
he thought i was a dude.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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