I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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