I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
