My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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