Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
