when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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