Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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