I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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