He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
