i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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