So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
