Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
