Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Boobs speak an international language.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
