I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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