I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My vagina just clenched in fear
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
