There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize