If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
