i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
