batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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