He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
