So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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