Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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