your parents love me but you hate me
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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