i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
