My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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