I met the friendliest cop last night
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
