he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
