Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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