Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
