Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
