haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
be right there i have to get my cape
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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