I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
